The Church Flying Monkey

...a creative writing exercise... 

Victim Survivor: I’m being abused.

Other Person: What? Oh no! What can you do to make it stop?

VS: I can try telling him no. 

(later)

Now I’m being abused worse because I’ve tried telling him no and now he’s extra mad. He dismisses, undermines, mocks, threatens, lies, intimidates, neglects, punishes, yells, hits, withholds, hurts, violates, forces, denies, etc. It’s like he holds all the power and I have none.

OP: Oh no! What else can you do to make it stop? Can you try harder, stop doing, start doing, be nicer, etc?

VS: I keep trying but we seem to get deeper instead of farther away from abuse. Sometimes I think it’s working, until I always do something, or not do something enough, that makes him treat me like this again.

OP: Don’t give up. Try harder. Be sweeter. God’s got this. If God’s called you to it, He’ll see you through it. Men have needs. We were created to be a helpmeet. God won’t give you more than you can handle. God’s pleased when you suffer for Him. Pick up your cross. Pray more, better, longer. Try a fast. When’s the last time you had a quiet time w God? Have faith. Have more faith. Is there sin in your life that’s causing you to stumble? Search your heart. Don’t trust your heart, it’s deceitful above all things. Want for nothing, we are sinners, we have no rights. You are a depraved worm, so be thankful for whatever you are experiencing, that’s grace and it’s better than you deserve. Love unconditionally. Forgive and forget, never bring it up again. Don’t judge. And definitely don’t tell anyone else about this or you’ll be gossiping and slandering your own husband. Smile, God calls us to have a cheerful countenance at all times.

VS: Well, I’ve tried all these things and more. 

OP: Maybe you just need to be stronger, smarter, or better at it. Keep trying.

VS: I don’t think I can change him. We’re supposed to exercise spirits of SELF control. Why am I responsible for his choices? I don’t think I’m supposed to have that kind of power over him. 

OP: You seem a little bitter, rebellious, faithless. Maybe you need someone stronger, smarter or better at this to help you with him? I’m going to get my husband, small group leader, elder, pastor to talk to your husband.

(later)

VS: What did you say to my husband? He was so angry and the abuse got worse!

OP: hmmmm, is that so? What exactly do you mean by abuse again? He didn’t seem abusive. He seemed very happy to talk. He admitted sometimes he can give in to frustration and he could probably do better. He also shared a lot of what he’s been going through too. I didn’t realize you were struggling so much with your own issues, feeling depressed, struggling with anxiety, overwhelmed by your kids, overly emotional, over reacting, nagging, feeling like you don’t have enough money, struggling to keep the house clean, going under in your checking account. He still loves you, he told us he does. 

VS: what?!?! What are you talking about? Is that what he told you? Actual love doesn’t control, lie or blameshift.

OP: you don’t have to get so upset, you do seem extra emotional lately. We just felt like we needed his side of the story and now we have a much better idea of the whole situation. You both need to look at your own sin and work harder together. 

VS: I’ve been trying to work together. It never works, it just becomes all about what I need to do to change. 

OP: You have to be willing to self reflect and make some changes. Maybe there’s some hidden pride going on within you.

VS: what?! That’s all I’ve been doing for years! I’ve read all the Be a Better Wife books. I’ve gone to all the marriage conferences. I’ve sought out all the pastoral counseling. I’ve searched my heart and confessed all I can think of. He doesn’t do any of this. Did they tell him to stop the abuse at all, hold him accountable, set any consequences?

OP: That doesn’t matter, you need to trust my husband/elder/pastor/male authority and focus on yourself. 

VS: I have spent years doing everything I can think of. I think this is a power and control issue, and the only way I can behave in a self-controlled way and live in safety, is to remove myself from this relationship. He is committed to abusive behavior. I’m committed to self-controlled, safe and bold love behavior.

(VS separates, gets safe and creates a new space where abuser can’t abuse/sin against her. This is loving both the VS and the abuser because sin is minimized!)

OP: you’re still separated? God hates divorce. Marriage is for life. You took an oath. You’re called to submit. You’re called to suffer for the Gospel. You will ruin your children. You are ruining your family. God will help you endure abuse. Pray enough and maybe God will change your husband’s heart. Love better. Help better. Clean better. Look for ways to be more gentle, kind, go on more dates, remember only the best about him. At your job to help him and love him so he can be better.

VS: You sound like my husband.

OP: We can’t be friends with you if you continue down this path. We can’t support you abandoning the relationship. Our children can no longer be friends with your kids. If we run into you, we will remind you of your sin in love so you will turn from it. You will not be welcome back to small group until you repent. You are behaving like a nonbeliever and we will have to put you out of your faith community. We are doing this because we love you. 

VS: You’re now serving my husband’s goal: you’re empowering him and disempowering me. He’s using you, to still try to control me, so he can get what he thinks he’s entitled to. 

OP: We are just trying to support what God wants: to rescue a marriage. I’m not used by anyone, I’m smarter than that.

VS: You’re punishing me by withholding care, compassion, support, encouragement, and friendship. I thought the church was here to help shoulder one another's burdens.

OP: We are showing you tough love. I cannot talk to you anymore about this, I need to go pull out dinner from the oven that I’ve cooked for your husband and go prepare for the prayer night we have planned for him. He's the only one who seems interested in saving this marriage & humble enough to receive our help.

VS: (silenced. exhausted & brokenhearted, oppressed and without, parenting through divorce & trauma alone, while also humiliated by having her community & prior support chastise her, while they also come alongside her "changed" or "victimized" husband. She grows weaker, as her husband grows stronger.)

...The church is filled with Other Persons. Abusers love Other Persons because they often hold influence with their Victim Survivor. So when Victim Survivor attempts to set boundaries and recalibrate the power imbalance in the relationship, the abuser needs an Other Person to carry on his work of power and control. These people are called “flying monkeys,” doing the abuser’s dirty work for him. This process of bringing in a third person to help maintain the abuser’s power and control over the victim survivor is called triangulation. 

Be aware. Most people want to help victim survivors of abuse. Don’t get lost and caught up in twisting of scripture and abuser’s games.

Believe the victim survivor. Ask them what you can do to help and trust their answer. 

(*as always, abusers can be female and victim survivors can be male. Look for the power imbalance to help discern correctly.)