Is It Really About the Iceberg?
Jun 27, 2021
It seems like a lot of conflicts occur because one or both people are focused on a right/wrong stance about some particular unwanted behavior.
Often, the behavior is the tip of the iceberg that is presenting itself in front of everyone, but there’s actually a thing behind a thing behind a thing that’s the real issue.
Imagine if the hero in that moment in that relationship chose to remember what’s in the face is an annoying iceberg, but not really the actual issue that needs to be addressed.
Anger, frustration, a temper tantrum, etc is usually a mask for sadness or fear. (Normal range anger, not abuse).
Think about some of the things that make you feel sad or scared in relationships:
Disappointment
Fear of rejection
Fear of abandonment
Fear of vulnerability
Fear of powerlessness
Lack of safety
Lack of trust
Neglect
Physically, mentally or emotionally exhausted
Lack of sleep or food
Obviously not a comprehensive list, but a decent start at guessing what might be behind the actual conflict.
So instead of reacting to anger with more anger or self-righteousness, what if we humbly responded reassuringly or lovingly to the sadness or fear the other person is likely feeling? What if we set aside the iceberg for a moment and stop fighting over if the iceberg Is right or wrong.
What would happen if we connected with their feelings - their fear or sadness - and cared they felt that way and spoke to that first? Could this be one way that “love drives away fear?” Could empathy and care melt the dang iceberg altogether?
This can be very helpful with both children and adults. 
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**note: this is loving when in a mutually loving, respectful and safe relationship. I’m not suggesting taking responsibility for a child or partner, and certainly not an abusive one. Ultimately, it is the other persons responsibility to communicate what is going on inside of him/her. However, in a mutually loving relationship, this kind of behavior and intent - empathy, understanding, tenderness - can be very loving and gracious. It should motivate the upset person to reign in the tip of the iceberg conflict and quiet or humble self, and prompt a deeper, more accurate conversation about what’s really going on inside of him/her. This is nearly impossible to do for an abusive partner, friend, co-worker, child, etc. however, so I’m not suggesting that.
